I Cheated On Myself

So, I have to admit to you that there's something that I have been incredibly guilty of in the past. A lie that's all too thin enough to see through if you’re looking for it over time. More of a lie I tell myself. *Inhales deep* The truth is, sometimes in the past, if no one was looking I’d cheat on myself. I know, shame shame.

I’d put my self in this predicament that I’d tell everyone I loved myself enough to work out, eat healthy, and stay away from all of the fast food nasty’s that are too conveniently plaguing every corner of Earth. I took my daily vitamin and every morning I’d post a picture of my latest smoothie concoction that my father all too often would rename for me Kitchen Sink.

           

When I look back all I can do is shake my head in a small bit of sadness for the me I let down. If I could go and take back what I did to her, I would over and over so that the me standing today would be a better one not having to start the cycle over.

           

If you’re still reading this, then I’m finally getting to what I did. Late at night when I had a long day at my second shift job working for the local casino I’d grab a large BK meal and trash the bag before I came in the house. The next night on my way home I’d stop and grab B-dubs, inhale it, and hide the box under the seat until I could toss it the next day when no one was home. During my commute to see my mother or father a day or two later I’d stop and grab $8 in gas station food and mow down on it before I got there so I could make the evidence disappear. It wasn’t always the same places, but it was often, really often.

           

I’d finish my greasy guilt and then throw that guilt out the window and would post another picture of me smiling on the local walking trail later that day. It wasn’t enough. I thought I was satisfying something that needed satisfied, but would be left empty afterwards. So why did I continue to do it? Honestly looking back, simply because no one knew. If no one knew then I wouldn’t pack on the pounds.

D-U-M-B

            But guess who knew – oh you’re so smart. Lil’ ole lying me. If no one saw, I got by free. If no one found my wrappers, then I never did it. Probably a few months and 30 lbs later I knew what I had done, and I quit my consumerist splurging on almost literal shit I was putting in my body that got me nothing but heavy breathing and into a plus size dress.

           

Even though it finally clicked that I was doing wrong to myself, I don’t think until recently I really knew the meaning of my lesson. Just like if you were to go and cheat on someone your in a relationship with, I cheated on someone I should have loved at the time more than anyone with an idea that I needed that trash to be happy. To sneak around thinking it was okay and no one would get hurt. I got hurt, and I paid for it. I wasn’t sad that I was over weight seeing as I’ve always been a thicker girl, I was angry with myself because I was so unhealthy.  

 I understand because of the goals I’m chasing now and how bad I really want them. Paying attention to the deception of this is good and this is bad in every commercial and ad and understanding the truth for once about what I put into my body, my temple, is kind of hard. My cravings are for things that my mind has been tricked into telling my body it wants and sometimes even needs. 

           

I understand the lesson now because I had to start over with the new me. And like any new relationship, it’s somewhat hard starting over, but with wisdom from the past hopefully this relationship will be my best. I also owe it to my son that miraculously came into my life last year. I want him to know how to love himself and know that even though no one is watching, he will be accountable regardless.  

**Places Middle Finger Up To The Treadmill**

Really though. What do you think you are? You piece of plastic monkey poo…

Okay. Now that my little tantrum is done *kicks treadmill*, I might as well explain my little outburst.

I’ve been going to the gym the past week everyday and getting my stretching, cardio, lifting, and oh my god very much needed tanning done every other. I’ve been making it there pretty early in the morning while Mike and Zakai have been having dad n’ lad time, but tonight was a little bit later for me.

I don’t know what it was but I was feeling super awesome tonight. Even after sharing a portion of some super awesome nasty B-Dubs. Hey, I’ve got two-ish more days until I adopt the vegan lifestyle again and we had to use the gift-card we got from my brother for Christmas. Maybe it was the fact that I’ve been actually keeping up with a routine.

            Still… I stepped onto the treadmill, typed in my usual walk speed for warm up, walked a mile and a half, then after my body seemed to want a little more spike in the workout I clicked on the little button that said fat burn, typed in my weight because for some reason it wanted it (which by the way is a horrible post baby 230), put in a slight incline and then a mid speed between jogging and running.

            DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MACHINE PROCEDDED TO TELL ME AFTER I FILLED IN ALL ITS LITTLE REQUIREMENTS???

“RUNNING IS NOT HIGHLY RECOMMENDED FOR YOUR CURRENT WEIGHT”

HMM… WHAT? COME AGAIN?

Okay. I’m breathing normal now. So 2.3 miles later after I noticed it was just past 9 PM and I should probably high tail it home to get Zakai to bed, I oh so elegantly got of the treadmill, and stuck my middle finger and tongue out at it. Fat girl just ran 2.3 miles with a “NOT HIGHLY RECOMMENED” speed… Bit*h.

What point can we take from this? An obvious - weight does not define you. And don’t let it. Not a bit. Not your beauty. Not your ability. Not your intelligence and definitely not your ego.  

Damn treadmill. I’ll see you again tomorrow.

My god I have to be honest with you people, I swear (and write) like a sailor and this was a really hard blog to not use any of my favorite language. Trying to keep it somewhat PG, ya know?

A Human Experiment: BPA

       

        The other night Mike and I were scrolling through Netflix taking our usual ten minutes to dispute over what looks good or not and who is going to choose this time. Being our oh so curious selves that prefer documentaries over the last sci-fi movie that got 4 stars, we stumbled upon a documentary called The Human Experiment. Although this film doesn’t go into intense detail of the thousands and thousands of chemicals that leech into our unsuspecting bodies every day, it is definitely a starting point for those of you who’d like to begin your journey of knowledge of the evil and corrupt of big pharmaceutical, plastic, and any other big money corporations only out to increase profit without the humanity to care about what damage is being done by their products. This film lifts the curtain to the many known secrets of the rich and ‘I don’t care if it causes cancer, sell it’s. You’ll be taken into some individuals lives from different walks of life and how the everyday products we use affect them in so many unnatural and unwelcoming ways; products that maybe even you use or are around every single day.

               

        I’d like to start this hopefully multiple part essay with more information on one of the chemicals that that have been found in more products than you can imagine and the effects having it in your life. BPA (Bisphenol-A) is one of the main components found today in a variety of everyday lives. An insert from the article Use of Polycarbonate Plastic Products and Human Health by R. K. Srivastava and Sushila Godara gives an upfront statement about the dangers of BPA:

       “Researchers found links between abnormal liver enzymes in the people and Bisphenol-A (BPA). Changes in insulin resistance, reproduction system, cardiovascular and brain function are also reported. BPA is used in the production of epoxy resins, polycarbonate resins, and polyester resins. BPA can leach out of certain plastic products including variety of modern goods, reusable food storage containers, eyeglass lenses, white dental fillings, sealants, medical equipment’s etc. In the body, BPA behaves as an estrogen receptor agonist and mimics estrogen hormone. Bisphenol-A (BPA) is a widespread endocrine-disrupting chemical (EDC) used as the base compound in the manufacture of polycarbonate plastics. Children and unborn and new born babies are at high risk of unwanted effects of BPA. Children suffer from chronic exposure to bisphenol A with manifestation of gastrointestinal problems, adrenal stress, immune dysfunction, toxic over load and neurological disorders. (1)”

   

         So from the gist of this small excerpt, I hope you still don’t get the feeling that consuming anything laced with BPA is a safe bet over time, for you, your children, and even your unborn child.  Did I say consume? Yes, I did. On top of BPA leaching into your beverages and water from the plastic bottles, canned foods being lined with it, and almost every other new plastic made that mankind uses or holds on to at any point; it’s also in some of our foods. The products and produce that we as humans hope would be safe on the shelves just because other humans placed them there is a very sad statement to find false. And if some of you won’t take this serious personally, and to be frank I tend to not when it only comes to me (I still gorge on Pizza and drink too much pop sometimes), lets place this devastation and danger on your children instead. Let’s start with your babies that haven’t even left the womb yet.

        According to the Environmental Working Group, “In the month leading up to a baby's birth, the umbilical cord pulses with the equivalent of at least 300 quarts of blood each day, pumped back and forth from the nutrient- and oxygen-rich placenta to the rapidly growing child cradled in a sack of amniotic fluid. (2)” This is the life source that leads from mother to unborn infant; the infant that depends on us for everything to be perfectly safe, secure, and healthy. Once thought to be a safety net for all things harmful that went through the mother to not be passed to the child, has been proven to be a falsity. Everything, EVERYTHING, that the mother ingests, skin leeches in, and air that she breathes takes effect on the fetus. From the variety of tests done from other sources and here in, the Environmental Working Group also found that “In a study … in collaboration with Commonweal, researchers at two major laboratories found an average of 200 industrial chemicals and pollutants in umbilical cord blood from 10 babies born in August and September of 2004 in U.S. hospitals. Tests revealed a total of 287 chemicals in the group (2)”.  

Here is the basic overview of the chemicals they found in the umbilical cords:

http://www.ewg.org/research/body-burden-pollution-newborns (2)

Gross, right? The majority of these things we almost simply cannot get away from as a common blue collar worker unless the stress and utmost desire is there.One statement made in the movie went along the lines of:

          If I were to give you a glass of water to drink and told you that there was only a 4% chance that the poison I placed in it would kill you, would you drink it? I most definitely would not. But what if I told you that I was 94% sure that it wouldn’t kill you, high chances right? Would you still drink it? I would still say no. How about if there was a 1% chance that you would die, would you drink it?

  

        Now when we eat and drink the nasty things we do in our quick pace quick food lives aside from all the extra chemical crap placed in it, we know that it’s bad for us already, yet we alas do it anyways. Does that mean we should just say whatever to these facts and carry on with our lives that we hope will be full, healthy, and long? I suppose that is your decision, but to not fight for the health of the common human and the generations to come is actually a very selfish act.

          1 in 88 kids now are born with autism compared just over a decade ago when it was 1 in 500. Do you really think things are going to get better just with that statistic alone? Not to blame autism on BPA just yet without the proper research, but with the multitude of other chemicals piled up on the 4% that may provide a sarcastically wonderful dose of disease, cancer, and premature death, wouldn’t you think there is something wrong with this industrialized life and want to do something about it? If not for you, then for your children, niblings, and younger cousins?

        The wee man in the right amount of numbers can be heard over the dollar of every disgusting paying lobbyist from the corps. Not that this has to do much with bill writing at the moment, but even because of it some are being put in motion, but I’m sure you have heard of the Cecil the Lion situation and the Dentist that killed him. Lions have been killed and shipped to the US forever now, but because the people roared loud enough, Mahita Gajanan, a reporter for The Guardian, stated that “New Jersey senator Bob Menendez announced on Friday that he will be introducing an act to disincentive trophy killings, named for the internationally mourned lion. The Conserving Ecosystems by Ceasing the Importation of Large (Cecil) Animal Trophies Act will extend import and export protections for species proposed to be listed under the Endangered Species Act (3)”. Now the leads being involved in the hunt are in trial and the man that paid for the hunt is being voted to be extradited.

        The power of numbers when we care about something is very strong. So if we should care so much about one lion, why shouldn’t we care about our own well-being and fight for that? Find something to care about. Do your research. Then fight for it.

1) Srivastava, R.K., and Sushila Godara. "Use of Polycarbonate Plastic Products and Human Health." Http://www.scopemed.org. IJBCP, Jan. 2013. Web. 05 Aug. 2015. <http://www.scopemed.org/fulltextpdf.php?mno=32059>.

2) Environmental Working Group. "Body Burden: The Pollution in Newborns." EWG. EWG, 14 July 2005. Web. 05 Aug. 2015. <http://www.ewg.org/research/body-burden-pollution-newborns>.

3) Gajanan, Mahita. "Cecil the Lion Spurs US Lawmakers to Draft Bills to Discourage Trophy Hunting." The Guardian. The Guardian, 31 July 2015. Web. 05 Aug. 2015. <http://www.theguardian.com/environment/2015/jul/31/cecil-the-lion-legislation-trophy-hunting-bob-menendez>.