I Cheated On Myself

So, I have to admit to you that there's something that I have been incredibly guilty of in the past. A lie that's all too thin enough to see through if you’re looking for it over time. More of a lie I tell myself. *Inhales deep* The truth is, sometimes in the past, if no one was looking I’d cheat on myself. I know, shame shame.

I’d put my self in this predicament that I’d tell everyone I loved myself enough to work out, eat healthy, and stay away from all of the fast food nasty’s that are too conveniently plaguing every corner of Earth. I took my daily vitamin and every morning I’d post a picture of my latest smoothie concoction that my father all too often would rename for me Kitchen Sink.

           

When I look back all I can do is shake my head in a small bit of sadness for the me I let down. If I could go and take back what I did to her, I would over and over so that the me standing today would be a better one not having to start the cycle over.

           

If you’re still reading this, then I’m finally getting to what I did. Late at night when I had a long day at my second shift job working for the local casino I’d grab a large BK meal and trash the bag before I came in the house. The next night on my way home I’d stop and grab B-dubs, inhale it, and hide the box under the seat until I could toss it the next day when no one was home. During my commute to see my mother or father a day or two later I’d stop and grab $8 in gas station food and mow down on it before I got there so I could make the evidence disappear. It wasn’t always the same places, but it was often, really often.

           

I’d finish my greasy guilt and then throw that guilt out the window and would post another picture of me smiling on the local walking trail later that day. It wasn’t enough. I thought I was satisfying something that needed satisfied, but would be left empty afterwards. So why did I continue to do it? Honestly looking back, simply because no one knew. If no one knew then I wouldn’t pack on the pounds.

D-U-M-B

            But guess who knew – oh you’re so smart. Lil’ ole lying me. If no one saw, I got by free. If no one found my wrappers, then I never did it. Probably a few months and 30 lbs later I knew what I had done, and I quit my consumerist splurging on almost literal shit I was putting in my body that got me nothing but heavy breathing and into a plus size dress.

           

Even though it finally clicked that I was doing wrong to myself, I don’t think until recently I really knew the meaning of my lesson. Just like if you were to go and cheat on someone your in a relationship with, I cheated on someone I should have loved at the time more than anyone with an idea that I needed that trash to be happy. To sneak around thinking it was okay and no one would get hurt. I got hurt, and I paid for it. I wasn’t sad that I was over weight seeing as I’ve always been a thicker girl, I was angry with myself because I was so unhealthy.  

 I understand because of the goals I’m chasing now and how bad I really want them. Paying attention to the deception of this is good and this is bad in every commercial and ad and understanding the truth for once about what I put into my body, my temple, is kind of hard. My cravings are for things that my mind has been tricked into telling my body it wants and sometimes even needs. 

           

I understand the lesson now because I had to start over with the new me. And like any new relationship, it’s somewhat hard starting over, but with wisdom from the past hopefully this relationship will be my best. I also owe it to my son that miraculously came into my life last year. I want him to know how to love himself and know that even though no one is watching, he will be accountable regardless.